Curry me nice

It pains me to write this recipe as although I cooked it on friday I didn't eat it. My healthy eating regime took a bit of a battering on thursday evening with a 'mum's night out' that involved tapas, bread, cava and ice cream. So when I stepped on the scales on friday morning I had put on a pound, which was soul-destroying given how disciplined I had been otherwise.
So the curry got shelved in favour of tuna steaks with olive and red onion salsa and garlic green veg. Delicious, but no curry.
But the mince had to be cooked, so I have part-cooked the curry and popped it in the freezer to be eaten next saturday, as we all know that calories do not count at the weekend.

Keema Matar

1 onion
A few cloves garlic to taste (I used 4)
2 cloves
500g minced lamb
1 inch cube of ginger, peeled and grated
Chillis to taste (I used 3 birdseye chillis)
1 teaspoon ground coriander
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
150ml water (approx)
Couple of potatoes, peeled and cubed
Peas (couple of handfuls)
Fresh coriander
1 teaspoon garam masala
Generous squeeze lemon juice
2/3 tbsp Greek yogurt

Fry the onions in a little oil until the start to brown
Add the garlic and fry for one more minute
Now add the minced meat, cloves, ginger, chillis, ground coriander, cumin and cayenne.
Fry for about 5 minutes or so on a fairly high heat, breaking up any lumps as you go.
When it’s browned add the potatoes and water. Bring to the boil, then turn down the heat and leave it to simmer for 30 minutes or until the potatoes are cooked, stirring occasionally and adding a little water if it gets too dry.
Now add the peas, fresh coriander, garam masala, lemon juice. Mix it all in and bring it back to a simmer – cook until the peas are done.
Season to taste and remove the cloves.
Finish with a generous couple of spoons of yogurt

If making ahead, leave out the peas, coriander and yogurt and add when reheating. I recommend eating it with paratha or a soft naan. Also feel free to leave out the potatoes, or to add other veg. Cauliflower works well.

So very Moorish

Last year I overcame severe claustrophobia to fly to Marrakech for my honeymoon. I say ‘overcame’ but it was more a case of ‘doped myself up to the eyeballs on diazepam’ Son2 was only 15 months old at the time but my mum had volunteered to look after both the boys for 6 days while we celebrated our nuptials in the scorching heat of Morocco.  We had picked Marrakech for 2 reasons.

1.       Your money goes twice as far there as it would in Europe. We had an amazing suite in a riad, with its own roof terrace and plunge pool and a houseboy to bring us copious booze(most of which was included in the price). All for around £140 per night, which would get you a very average hotel room in Italy or France

2.       Their food is amazing

While we were there we ate in some of the best restaurants and had fantastic food every day. One of the best meals I have ever eaten was in a restaurant called Tobsil, we had a main course of chicken wrapped in pancakes, which sounds unremarkable but was unbelievably good. However there was also a cook at the riad who was outstanding. She made fabulous tagines and the best tomato salad in the entirety of the world ever.

Upon our return we bought a tagine (and were given two more in a bizarre day I call ‘The day with 3 tagines’) and I have had a lot of success in my experimentations. Moroccan food is perfect for entertaining as they tend to serve a lot of salads, most of which can be prepared in advance, and slow cooked meat. My sort of food.

So yesterday we were going to be out all afternoon at a picnic/birthday party and I wanted a proper meal for when we got back. So I shoved a happy chicken in my tagine in its entirety. I rubbed in a Morccan spice blend of cumin, coriander, cinnamon and harissa (or you can just use one of those premixed blends) and shoved a couple of preserved lemons up its backside. Splash of water in the bottom, lid on and into the oven for a couple of hours at 180. While it was cooking I made my two favourite Moroccan salads/accompaniments.

Sweet tomato jam

Fab served with chicken or lamb. Once made you can keep it in the fridge, in a clean jam jar, with a layer of oil over the top, for a couple of weeks.

2 small onions, grated

2 cloves garlic, crushed

2 tins plum/chopped tomatoes

Tsp ground cinnamon

½ tsp ground ginger

Tbsp sugar

Tbsp honey

Salt and pepper to taste

Cook the onion in a little oil until soft

Add the garlic and fry for a couple of minutes

Add the tomatoes, cinnamon, ginger and sugar

Simmer for about an hour, until the mixture becomes thick and jam-like

Add the honey and seasoning

Leave to cool

Moroccan carrot salad

4 large carrots, grated

Juice 1 lemon

½ tsp cinnamon

½ tsp ground coriander

½ tsp ground cumin

Tsp sugar

Salt and pepper to taste

Chopped coriander

Mix it all together and leave for an hour or more before serving

So while we were out the chicken rested, the carrot salad infused and upon our return all I had to do was make a green salad with red onion, slice few chunks of baguette, pour out a bowl of yogurt and plonk the chicken, jam and carrots on the table. It was fab and very reminiscent of our honeymoon, apart from the over-tired toddler spitting bread at us and seeing how dizzy he could make himself by shaking his head back and forwards as fast as he could. Oh, and after dinner I mopped the floors instead of retiring to my roof terrace. But overall, it was a bit similar, sort of.

Mead and beans

Have you ever been to a meadery? I bet you haven’t. I wonder if you even know what a meadery is? Well, dear reader, a meadery is a medieval-themed restaurant that serves entirely fried food and mayonnaise-based salads. Oh, and mead, a traditional honey based wine-type of drink. I visited one such establishment on Friday evening and wish to give no further comment other than to say I have never felt so sick after a meal as I did that night. And my trousers stank so forcibly of ‘fried’ that I had a recurrence of my nausea the following morning when I put them on to go for breakfast. Utterly grim.

In fact I had a weekend of food that was almost entirely bereft of any fruit or vegetable and returned home last night desperate for a fresh, nutritious meal. Fortunately for me we had leftovers from last week’s black bean chilli, and it was the absolute perfect meal. As promised, here is the recipe:

Black bean and sweet potato chilli

1 large onion
3 cloves garlic
1 tsp cumin
½ tsp ground coriander
1 tsp oregano
½ tsp cinnamon
Chilli flakes (to taste)
1 tbsp chipotle paste
1 tsp sugar
1 tbsp vinegar
800g cooked black beans
2 x tin tomatoes
1 large sweet potato, diced
1 tin sweetcorn
Bunch chopped coriander

Soften the onions and garlic in a small amount of oil
Add the spices and fry for 2 minutes
Add the remaining ingredients, except the coriander, cover and cook for 30 mins, or until the potato is tender
Add the coriander.

We usually eat it out of a bowl with crushed tortilla chips, grated cheese and a dollop of sour cream.  Personally I like mine quite spicy, it somehow feels like it’s better for you that way, but you can make it almost entirely unspiced for smaller people, or complete wusses.  *waves at Toby*

Stupid bloody avocadoes

Last week I obsessed over a menu more than I thought possible. We took the bold step of deciding to entertain other parents from son1's school. Lovely people, but people we have always felt were a lot more grown up than us, and who we might not be able to parade our full range of offensive humour in front of.
I was particularly worried about husband's ability to remain just the right side of horrendously drunk, a skill he has often lacked in the past. Most notably demonstrated on the occasion he went up to check on son2 in the middle of a dinner party, only to be found an hour later asleep underneath his cot.
I blame the beer enhanced with shots of whisky.

So in these times of social uncertainty I decided against anything too taxing on the cooking front. I felt I needed the comforting reassurance of a menu I could do mostly in advance, in between the pressures of completing son1's half term project. (Can we just say that the menu was more successful than the replica Tudor House we battled with). I went with Mexican food. EVERYONE likes Mexican food.

This was the menu I went with:

Slow cooked chilli
Tomato and chilli salsa
Refried beans
Guacamole
Spiced potato wedges

Alongside nachos, tortilla wraps, sour cream and Lancashire cheese

I have been perfecting my chilli for many years now and firmly believe that slow cooking beef shin makes for a far superior chilli to mince. Due to my obsessive nature when it comes to food, I have read possibly hundreds of recipes for the 'best ever chilli', the majority of them American.

Obviously the US has a far greater affinity with Mexican food, and they seemingly have a whole world of authentic ingredients available in their local supermarkets, which we simply don't get. I decided to order my ingredients online, and chose http://www.mexicangrocer.co.uk/ . I ordered the 'Dried chipotle chillies', Dried ancho chillies' and 'Dried Mexican oregano'. Unfortunately they still haven't turned up, 1 week after initially ordering and 3 days after the meal itself. So I was forced to use the ingredients available to me at my local Sainsbury's. Below is my recipe, with a few notes:

Slow cooked beef chilli

Pork fat (my butcher gives me this for free, just ask)
2 onions, chopped
5 cloves garlic
1kg beef shin, cut into large chunks
1 teaspoon ground cinammon
1 tablespoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon ground coriander
1 tablespoon smoked paprika
1 tablespoon oregano
1 tablespoon chipotle paste (Discovery brand)
1 tin plum tomatoes (whizzed up with a handblender)
2 red chillis (whizzed up with the tomatoes)
2 cubes of beef stock and 1 tablespoon of instant coffee, diluted in 750ml hot water
1 tablespoon sugar
1 tablespoon cider vinegar
salt and pepper
3 squares of plain chocolate

Render down the pork fat and use it to cook the onion and garlic until softened
Add the beef shin, spices and chipotle paste and brown all over
Add the remaining ingredients, minus the chocolate, bring to a simmer then cook on a very low heat for approx 6 hours.
After 6 hours the meat should shred if you give it a prod, so give the whole dish a good poking, until you have a pot of lovely shredded beef.
Add the chocolate and stir it in well.

The most important thing is to cook it the day before you intend to eat it as it tastes approximately 12 times better a day or two after it has been cooked. This is science.

So my chilli had been cooked on friday afternoon/evening, infusing the house with a fabulous smell. Unfortunately it smelt so nice that my husband and I were hugely disappointed with the smoked salmon fishcakes we were eating that evening. We sat forlornly picking at the fishcakes as lovely beefy smells trailed seductively through the house. .

Also done ahead of time were stages 1 and 2 of my refried beans. Thursday evening had me soaking an entire bag of black beans and on friday I boiled them up, in a big pot with plenty of water, half an onion and another chunk of the pork fat thrown in for good measure.

I had also decided to prepare a cocktail for my guests. My aunt had visited from Cyprus and brought me two of the biggest, most aromatic lemons I have ever seen, picked days before from her garden. I have never smelt lemons like them. So I decided on a grown-up lemonade.
I made a sugar syrup on friday, basically just 200g or so of caster sugar, 500ml of water and the zest of one lemon and a couple of limes. Bring it to the boil  and stir to dissolve the sugar then turn off the heat and leave to steep for half an hour, then sieve into a tupperware and refrigerate until needed.
On saturday afternoon I juiced the 2 massive lemons and 6 limes and added it to the syrup then made up the cocktail as follows:

Grown-up lemon-and-lime-ade

1 part syrup
1 part rum
2 parts soda water
Plenty of slices of lemon and lime
Few sprigs of mint
Lots of ice

So Saturday morning rolled around and I was fretting most about my guacamole. I had spent the previous few days doing my utmost to ensure my avocadoes reached optimum ripeness for my guacamole. This involved a significant amount of avocado assessment, basically gently squeezing the little sods every few hours, and trying to determine whether they were best in the fridge (to slow down the ripening), on the window sill (to speed up the ripening), or on the sill, surrounded by bananas (to turbo-charge the ripening process). At one stage I had them split up in all 3 locations. I vaguely considered setting up a webcam to keep an eye on them while I took the kids to the park, but quickly realised it would be madness. I mean who can judge an avocadoes ripeness by sight alone? No, I would also need a squeezing device that could provide up to the minute assessment of their current firmness. I would also need to invent a scale of firmness to receive my updates in and make sure my squeezing device was correctly calibrated.  I realised I just didn't have the resources. I blame this lack of commitment for the fact that only 5 of my 6 avocadoes reached the required standard by saturday morning, the 6th I am eating as I type. It's still not quite right.
Here is the recipe for the guacamole I eventually made:

Guacamole

Half a bunch of spring onions
Half a jar of red jalapenos
large handful coriander
2 tomatoes, de-seeded
1 clove garlic
Juice of 1 lime
salt and pepper
5 avocadoes

Put all the ingredients except the avocadoes in a food processor and blitz to a paste
Add avocadoes and blend to required consistency (I like mine quite smooth)

So now I turned my attention to the salsa, as it really needs a few hours for the flavours to meld. I reckon I must be a masochist, because I resolutely refuse to do salsa in a food processor, and also refuse to allow anything other than the finest dice make it into the finished product. It does mean a lot of chopping, but if you are anything like me you will appreciate the finished result.

Salsa

8 ripe tomatoes
1 red onion
3 red chillis
Large handful coriander
1 teaspoon caster sugar
juice 1 lime
salt and pepper

Basically cut the whole lot up, really small. Err, that's it.

So the final task was the refried beans ( I'm not going to insult your intelligence by including a recipe for potato wedges, I put cayenne, oregano, salt and pepper on mine), my holy grail of which is the Wahaca version. Apparently their version uses about 3 ingredients and still tastes amazing, I have tried following their recipe before and utterly failed to replicate the deliciousness at home. I reckon they are LYING about the recipe so that we cannot achieve it at home and consequently are forced to return again and again to eat bowls of the stuff. The crafty so-and so's.
Here is the recipe I finally cobbled together from my extensive research:

Refried beans

Pork fat
Big knob of butter
1 onion
2 cloves garlic
2 sticks celery
1 tablespoon smoked paprika
Approx 800g cooked black beans
Salt and pepper

Render the pork fat and add the butter, meanwhile blitz the onion, garlic and celery in a food processor.
 Add the mix to the pan and cook until softened.
Add the smoked paprika and black beans and cook down for about 30 mins, smashing the beans as you stir and topping up with water if it dries out too much.
Season to taste

The beans got a lot of compliments, so don't mess with this recipe too much, it rules. In fact the beans were the favourite I think, after the custard tart that my husband made, which is typical. He cooks one dish for every 12 I do, and steals the bloody show. If you are interested in his custard tart then I suggest you bugger off. (Or follow Marcus Wareings recipe, but add vanilla to the custard mix)

Anyway, the evening was a success. I mean I swore too much, but that's par for the course. Nobody got horribly drunk and everyone enjoyed the food. Even better there were some leftovers. I have used the leftover salsa to make breakfast burritos (scrambled eggs, sourcream and salsa in a tortilla wrap, hangover food of champions), leftover wedges and chilli had baked beans added to make son1's dinner, the leftover guacamole was eaten with nachos in front of the telly on monday evening and the refried beans are going into quesadillas tonight. Thrifty huh?